It's Been a Journey - my singleness story

Part Seven of the Letters from Singleness series

Anyone who knows Melinda knows how easy it was to just love her.  She has a gracious and generous spirit, peppered with adorable quirk and humor.  I was a distant witness of this journey she's been traipsing.  A very blessed witness, because I've been a recipient of the joy of the Lord that she has radiated in all her difficulties.  You can't get this girl down; she loves Jesus too much.  You can find her scribblings at her personal blog and as administrator of Meditations of His Love; or as her hilarious self on Twitter.

 

August 4, 2013: I hadn’t slept for several nights. I was horribly sick. I was at my lowest point; discouraged, faint-hearted, and depressed. A month before tonight, I had lost my grandpa after several years of deterioration because of Parkinson’s disease. The last few nights, I had been dealing with the shock of an abrupt ending to an 8 month relationship.

 

That night, I was struggling for hope and whispering prayers for grace and faith. It wasn’t until I did something that I had been resisting that the peace came to my heart. I thanked the Lord for the heartbreak and the breakup. I saw no reason or purpose for this whole situation, but I accepted it from the Lord’s hand that night and chose to trust Him.

 

And I’ve done that again and again over the months since my breakup. Choosing trust and thankfulness in the midst of pain and loneliness is something that is not natural. Some days, I have to force myself to thank the Lord and surrender to His plan in my singleness. However, I’m surprised to find that I’ve been my happiest and contented about my single state since my breakup than I’ve ever been.

 

I’m getting ahead of myself though. Let’s fast forward to my younger years of blissful childhood dreams of marriage. I honestly thought I’d be married by age 19. I laugh now at the thought. I was widely discontent in those years of 17-20. I thought about getting married all.the.time. I’m pretty embarrassed about how I revolved my life around my romantic notions marriage and family. Thankfully, I’ve grown a bit since then in maturity and brain cells. ;-)

 

Those early years of adult singleness were blessed years of learning and growing, being stretched and growing up. I know I didn’t deal with my tendency toward bitterness well and I’m thankful for God’s grace during those years. The biggest lesson I learned in my pre-dating adult years was diligence. God used that time to instill some habits and skills.

 

The year I turned 22, I entered into my first relationship. I thought I had arrived. Come to find out, I hadn’t. :-) That relationship was a huge wakeup call for me. It was a gentle push from God to take my relationship with Him to another level.

 

Even still, after that relationship ended, I still struggled with my single state in a less than godly way at times. I was bitter, sad, angry, and frustrated with the lack of manly, godly, single guys. I had good days, and really bad days. I felt guilty at my wrong attitude, but I didn’t seek to right it. I resisted the peace and joy the Lord offered and chose to display a frightful lack of trust in the Lord.

 

This last relationship shattered the last of my fairytale dreams about romance, love, and relationships. After I prayed that prayer of thankfulness in my desperately discouraged state, a tiny spark was lit in my heart. I’m slowly realizing that Christ is sufficient, even in the most difficult and lonely days, if I allow Him to be all in all in me.

 

This journey of singleness isn’t easy and it doesn’t get easier as I get older. However, with the Lord’s grace the pain is being used for much good in my life, and for that, I’m grateful. Recently, the Lord revealed my tendency to act like hurtful things (like breakups and loneliness) don’t bother me and to stuff my grief. It’s been a huge step for me to start admitting my pain and allowing myself to grieve. I find it odd that it’s difficult for me to embrace the grace of God and instead resist His love and peace, comfort and hope when I’m hurting.

 

My journey of singleness has taught me that this time, though difficult, is needful, beneficial, and only a tiny glimpse of all that the Lord has in store for me. It’s not for me to know what my future holds right now, but instead it’s a time for learning to embrace the grace of the Lord today, to abide in His joy at this moment, and to rest in His peace in the present. Marriage isn’t a fairytale romance dream, it’s a calling to embrace with joy, just like my present single state.

 

My daily prayer is for grace to admit the hurt, embrace the grace, rejoice in God’s hope, trust His plan, and allow the Lord to lead me in paths of righteousness. I pray the same for each of you, dear single friends!

Wednesday Words

Taylor, Grace. "The Wrong Gospel." Web log post. Voice of the Martyrs. N.p., 20 Nov. 2013. Web. 20 Nov. 2013.

T'was the Night After Christmas

One year ago, Christmas night, my husband and littles were next door sleeping.  I was sitting at the foot of my parents' bed, massaging my mom's feet with essential oils.  Her head had hurt so badly, and for so long, it was difficult for her to tell us if anything helped.  She barely smiled and nodded when I asked if massaging was helping, so I kept on softly rubbing her feet.  I reminisced about the last time I rubbed her feet, when she was expecting my siblings and her feet were swollen from late pregnancy.  I had always enjoyed doing that for her, and she would lavish me with thanks when I did.

My brother Josh quietly entered the room, and walked to Mom's bedside.  She weakly reached out and took his hand, whispering, "I like your pants".  She had picked out the Hollister sweatpants for him, and he unwrapped them that morning when we all exchanged our gifts.  It was a wonderful Christmas morning with her, as she sweetly bore the headache, the light, the noise, so that she could be with us for our presents.

She held Josh's hand there for awhile, while I rubbed her feet.  He leaned down for a soft hug and told her he loved her, before he headed to bed.  And I wept.  Rubbing her feet there in her room, I wept fearful tears.  I didn't know why for sure at the time, but there was a peculiar dread, one I had never known, filling my chest.  Peculiar, because while the dread brought the weeping, there was a stillness--God was good and I could trust him.

I finished my massaging, said a short prayer for her, told her I loved her and went next door to my sleeping family.  Just a few hours later, the morning of December 26th, my Mama would breathe her final earthly breath.

I had always feared this.  Just a month before, I had been struggling and praying for such fear.  The Lord had been preparing and challenging my heart to trust him even in my worst fears.  I had always pictured such a tragedy being experienced with frantic anxiety, loud weeping, unbelief, fear, and pain so intense that you can't breathe.  But from the moment I got the phone call from the ER, my Dad's broken voice telling me that she was gone, there was a stillness.

When I had to hold my siblings as they wept soft tears, and I with them...a stillness.

When I had to do what I never thought I would do...
pick out my mother's burial clothes, her casket, her flowers...a stillness. 
When I saw her earthen body, which barely resembled the lovely lady I knew in her life...a stillness.

 

He, my gracious Father, was with me.  And the deeper understanding I had of the good news of his Son, the deeper was my comfort.  I urge you, friends, to know the Gospel of this Savior.  To know Him and be found in Him (Phil. 3:8). Know the love our Maker demonstrated for us in him (Rom. 5:8).  Nothing else matters, and it won't merely be nice reminders in hard times--it, and most importantly HE, will be your fortress (Ps. 18:1-2).

I know Christmas can be the most difficult season for those who are grieving lost loved ones.  And while it's been really hard as it's come closer to the milestone of her passing, I've been thankful that she passed the day after Christmas.  The same time of year that we are reminded of how death struck us with painful loss, is the same time of year that we celebrate that death will not have the last laugh.  We celebrate the advent of the incarnate Word of God.
We celebrate the Cross of Calvary.
We celebrate his Resurrection.
And we celebrate his Second Advent.
When despair tempts us in our grief, we don't have to look very far;  in lights, Christmas trees, nativities, carols and hymns, traditions, and advent sermons, and we are bombarded with reminders of Christ and the hope he gave us with His life.

 

Wednesday Words

"But, dear reader, there is no comfort in the word 'farewell', even if you say it in French.  'Farewell' is a word that, in any language, is full of sorrow.  It is a word that promises absolutely nothing."
 

The Tale of Despereaux, Kate DiCamillo 

Wednesday Words

 

"True hope changes sorrow, but does not obliterate it.  Death is not to be taken as a 'normal, beautiful release' but as an enemy which separates body from spirit and human beings from each other.  It spoils the beautiful creation of God.  It is so basically an enemy that God says that He will pay a great price, a ransom, to deliver us from death's power..."

~Edith Schaeffer, Affliction