2.10.2014

Ruined, a lament


Part Four of the Letters from Singleness series

Anna is a lovely 20-something who I've been blessed to claim as my sister-friend since I was 14 years old.  She's been called to serve families as a certified Birth Doula, and as a nanny to two sweet littles.  Anna is beautifully passionate about Jesus, birth, making delicious food, and adventuring in the United Kingdom.  She writes for her private blog, in which all her posts are in lament-form; laments that always find their conclusion in the hope of Jesus.  She wrote this piece when she was wrestling with her desire for marriage against her expectations in a sinful world.  Anna is a treasure, and was gracious to allow me to share this.

 
waiting
learning
observing
wondering

always
wondering

am I ruined?

ruined for marriage?
for relationship?
with all these expectations goodbaduglybeautiful
that I see mirrored in all of my friends relationships
in their marriages
broken and heart wrenchingly lovely

I see
I want some things
I don't want others

I feel the safety in observing
in watching from afar

to put my own toes in?
um no.
to jump myself?
not ready
no no no no
too scared

what if he's like that?
or this?

what if it's not worth it?

what if it's too hard?
what if it requires too much of me?
more then I have?
more them I am?

is love marriage sex babies worth all the heartache?

to be the cross
to bear the cross
to wear the cross
to LOVE the cross
of marriage

to walk across those coals
embrace those flames
drown in that pain
rise in those ecstasies

do I really want it?

yes

Am I ruined?
unfortunately yes.

I am ruined.
ruined for life here.

because I know there is more.
see the breath of more
feel the sunlight of more
touch the softness of more
hear the echo of the more
BEYOND
far
into the distance

the more of heaven
the more of perfection
of glory seen, touched, shown and adored.

there is no cure for this constant searching
this screaming voice inside saying
DO NOT SETTLE
do not be okay with this.
this imperfect. this hell. this bliss. this place.
DO NOT BE SATISFIED with here.

how can I reconcile the voice of heaven
the voice from ahead
to this life here?

to embrace the broken now.
the ruined places
full of ashes
but therein rise tendrils of hope.
pinpricks of light we call stars
those things shouting screaming whispering
of my Jesus
that his life abides here amongst the bones and blood
his love heals here in utter dying pain
his voice sooths the most angry and hurting of souls
his presence exists here
in the rubble of sin and humanity
his feet walk
his hands touch
his love fills

through us.
through you.
through me.
through marriage
through loneliness
through suffering
through joy unimaginable
screaming of the day to come
the moment when this is gone
and all is new.

when He comes in blazing glory
to take the ruined ones
the ones he calls
Redeemed.
Beloved.
Child.
MINE.

this is what my heart aches for. and will ache for.
till this ruined world, this ruined heart is made whole.

He's coming for the ruined ones. The ones he calls beloved.